Prof. Fear's Disney Vacation (or Bringing Whores to the Happiest Place on Earth)

Having been foiled at my most recent plots to take over the world, I reluctantly decided that I should start with a smaller world after all, and resolved to conquer the entire World Showcase at Disney's Epcot Center. As my tanks rolled in, the eleven nations quickly fell before me, their armies substantially smaller than those of the countries they represented. Even the vikings of Norway offered disappointingly little resistance. The entire conquest took less than an hour, which included a stop in the Magic Kingdom to ride Pirates of the Caribbean. 

As I surveyed my conquered territory, I was puzzled by Disney's choices. Out of the entire world, only eleven countries are recreated, and the first is Canada. Really? Canada? Were they thinking, "Hmm, what's a far-away, exotic location that most Americans will never get a chance to visit in real life? I know, Canada!"?

There's not a single African nation in the World Showcase. Africa is only the world's largest inhabited continent, home to fifty-eight nations and roughly a tenth of the world's total population, but it scarcely bears mentioning compared to the mysterious wonder that is Canada! For that matter who needs India? The only attractions of the Canada Pavilion are a restaurant offering "traditional Canadian cuisine," a short film featuring Martin Short, and a performance by men in kilts (Huh? Why kilts in Canada? Because there is no Scotland and you had to have kilts somewhere? Because Canadians are cross-dressers? What am I missing?)

What makes even less sense is the United States Pavilion, which is designed to give you the uncanny impression that you are actually in America, and still somehow fails. I was expecting to find animatronic fat people watching TV and talking on cell phones in their cars, but instead there was just a colonial building and an a cappella group called Voices of Liberty (whom I promptly executed, to much applause). 

 

My victory was complete, and the World Showcase was mine, but there was something creepy and wrong about all these happy little countries. There were no cheap, prescriptionless drugs for sale in Mexico. There was no weirdly repressed pornography in Japan. I set about to change this. 

Step one was bringing prostitutes to the France Pavilion's Pigalle district. Wishing to hire from within, I auditioned numerous smiling, chipper, Disney "cast members," and selected a bright-eyed group of male and female aspiring whores. Unfortunately, that's when Spectacular Man showed up. 

I had been careful to jam the League of Righteousness's satellites so they would have no idea what I was up to, but it just so happened that Spectacular Man was headed to the theme park for a vacation. I suppose I should have taken him at his word when that reporter asked him, "Spectacular Man, you've just foiled Prof. Fear's most recent attempt at world domination, what are you going to do next?" and he answered "I'm going to Disney World."

What followed was the usual struggle where I, a man of supreme intelligence but only average strength, attempt to contend with someone who can crush a VW on his forehead. You can guess who won. I am writing this from my cell in maximum security, super-villain prison. Fortunately, my loyal henchpeople are already on their way to break me free. The one bit of good news from all this is that several of the Disney cast members I mentored have gone on to pursue actual careers in whoredom, and that I consider quite a victory. 

Illustration by Christie Allan-Piper

Curses! Foiled Again!

The details of my most recent, and near successful attempt at world domination, and my downfall at the hand of the Golden Eagle-- that feather-headed do-gooder from the League of Righteousness-- have been so sufficiently documented that I scarcely need address them in my "blog." However, I do take issue with some of the mainstream media's coverage of the events.

The National Inquisition, that contemptible bastion of yellow journalism, ran the headline "Eagle Bravely Takes on Fear in Heroic, Rooftop Battle." While it is accurate that the Golden Eagle and I fought on the ledge of a skyscraper, it is worth pointing out that the Golden Eagle CAN FLY, whereas I cannot. I will leave it to you to decide who showed greater bravery. Also, the "heroic" battle consisted largely of a quick, and unexpected blow to the groin. I may be old-fashioned, but somehow I fail to see the heroism in a sucker nut punch.

Unfortunately, this was not the defeat that inspired me to write this post. After evading the authorities, I went to drown my sorrows at the Dastardly Scheme, a super-villains-only bar on the Lower East Side. It was there that I encountered that apiary criminal vixen, the Queen Bee.

Typically, I avoid insect-motifed villains, as they tend to take things a bit too far. If she heard me groan as she ordered "a stinger, with a drop of honey," she must have taken it as an invitation, as she turned to me and said, "So, the Infamouzzz Profezzor Fear... There's quite a buzzz about you."

Now don't get me wrong. A well- crafted pun, cried out in the heat of battle, is the hallmark of a classy super-villain, but in off-hours, you've really got to give it a rest. I immediately tried to make it clear I wasn't interested. This probably gave her the wrong idea, as that's exactly how you're supposed to act when you are completely interested. I suppose the only way to be sure of being left alone in a situation like that is to bust out with a marriage proposal, but as I didn't, she kept on.

"Too bad about your fight with Golden Eagle," she said. "I never liked that guy. He gives me hives."

I lit a cigarette, hoping that if I blew smoke in her face, she'd grow drowsy, and I could make a clean escape. Instead, she just moved closer. Of course she couldn't just walk over to me. She had to circle the whole room in a weird, elliptical pattern, steadily getting closer with each pass.

I have to admit, there was something hypnotic about her movements. Not that many women can look sexy in black and yellow, horizontal stripes, but the Queen Bee was pulling it off. As she finally landed on the seat beside me, I caught myself thinking, "Now that my plot to take over the world has been foiled, maybe it's time to move on to Plan Bee."

And that's when the most annoying super-villain of all walked in: the Cock Blocker. Honestly, I'm not sure what he's after. He doesn't rob banks. He doesn't try to take over the world. He's just always in the way, standing there smugly in his cockscomb cowl. He came straight for us and wouldn't stop telling long, boring stories about the most decidedly unsexy subjects... his grandmother's bed rash... small business tax incentives... how many germs are in the human mouth.

Normally, I have an excellent tool for getting out of uncomfortable conversations, but the Golden Eagle had confiscated my disintegration ray during our fight, so I just had to let the Cock Blocker babble. The Queen Bee suddenly remembered what a "buzzzy, buzzzy" morning she had ahead of her, and started to leave. I was about to ask for her number, when the Cock Blocker had the audacity to ask for it himself! She declined, and it just would have been too awkward for me to have pressed the matter further.

As I watched the Queen Bee and the Cock Blocker depart separately, I quietly sipped my cognac, and plotted my revenge. I am biding my time, but soon the Cock Blocker will rue the day he ever crossed my path. And as for the Queen Bee, I will possess her, and next time, no one will be to stop me!

Illustration by Christie Allan-Piper